Crushin

So... It's official... I'm crushing. And I haven't crushed on anyone in a really, really long time! I forget how much fun it is! I'm not really the type of person to do anything about it though. I'll flirt and make it known (to some degree) that I'm interested, but after that it's up to him. Call me old fashioned ;)

I'm not the most experienced when it comes to dating, and yes I know I'm getting ahead of myself. I've had one boyfriend and we broke up right before I started my sophomore year of high school. He was the boy I grew up with, didn't see for four years, and then after hanging out again decided to start dating. All was fine and dandy until I fell for his best friend. Who also happened to be my best friends boyfriend.  Because I'm a great person, I never did anything about it and broke things off with my guy only to be crushed by my BFF. To make a long story short, nothing ever happened with the best friend. He truly is an asshole and I don't know what I ever saw in him. He pops up every once in a while. But he's old news.

So after that whole thing, watching my parents relationship end, witnessing the worst possible relationship between my sister and her own asshole boyfriend, being with someone started to seem like too much work and too much hurt. It's easier to be by myself. I got comfortable doing things for myself and by myself. Sure, I would be envious of the intimacy and connection couples seem to have. But I put my heart away for any one to actually see what it's all about. It takes me probably close to 6 months for me to really start to feel comfortable with people enough to open up. Which is why I have such a hard time making new friends because who really wants to wait around that long?

Which brings me back to this new boy. I've known him now for about 5 months now. We work together and so I do get to see a lot of him. And over the past few weeks I've gotten to know him more and more. We actually worked together all day on Saturday and it was surprisingly a really good time. I mean, come one, no one wants to work on Saturday. But he made it pretty great. We talked and he told me all of this personal stuff and it was so nice for him to be so open. It made me want to be open too. Except there isn't really all that much for me to be open about that I wasn't completely embarrassed by. I mean, how do you tell a guy you like that you don't do anything on the weekend because you don't really have friends? Or that you are completely inexperienced in the dating world ( yes after telling me his story about an ex he asked if I had one like that. I of course said no). I know that he's older and going to have more experience, but i still wanted to have something to say. Maybe next time I won't be so timid.

It's fun for now and we'll see where it takes me. But for now, I'll enjoy the attention and the flirting and keep my fingers crossed for something more. Who knows!?

A Day of Rest

I started writing this post as a catch-up for the ten months I didn't write anything. But I'm realizing now that it doesn't really matter. So I'll write about my day today.

Every Sunday I serve at my church-K2 The Church. I am a teacher for the two year olds. Each week I get to spend time with some of the most amazingly smart, adorable, and sometime annoying two year olds of K2 and teach them about Jesus and the Glory of God's love. I've been doing this for the past couple of months and it has turned into one of the most rewarding experience of my life. To be able to see the children grow before your eyes is amazing. Each week they come back taller, with a bigger vocabulary, and a little less skepticism towards me. I have formed bonds with a few of them and will truly be heartbroken when they turn three and move up to the next class. But I love reading them stories each week out of the children's Bible and having them color pictures of Jesus and Moses. Little kids can be so amazing and inspiring sometimes.

After I played with the kiddos I headed in to hear the service. Today's message was one of those messages that you need to hear, but its not always easy. And, of course, God has been trying to get this message across to me for the past few days it seems. I'm also reading the book "Crazy Love; Overwhelmed by a Relentless God" by Francis Chan right now and it has been about the same thing that Dave preached on this morning. All of these messages together combine to mean one thing in my life: follow Christ wholeheartedly.

Its amazing the way God works. He has put this message in front of me in so many ways over the past week. I think its about time I do something about it..

My Personal Pity Party.

My life has consisted of a lot of disappointments. Now, I don't want it to sound like I've had this depressing life where everyone disappoints me. But it happens a lot. And because of this fact, I've developed a very sad way to go through life. I expect everyone to disappoint me. That way, when they don't, I'm pleasantly surprised. Like I said, sad. But its the only way I know to protect myself from the disappointment that comes with a lot of the people in my life. I also never really deal with the disappointments, so they pile up and when one little thing happens, I break down.

Now lets jump to last thursday. I had a pretty god day at school and then I had a group meeting after my last class. We were very productive and towards the end, we went off on a tangent of talking about how the USU business school is getting rid of entrepreneurship as a major. Now, this has been my major since my sophomore year of college. I've only taken classes for my major and never even considered doing a minor also. Well the business school is getting rid of the major because they think that having that major makes students "unmarketable." Businesses won't want to hire people with that degree because they think that they will leave the company and go and start their own business. I mean, that is what I'll be doing, but still I want to have a major that is going to get me a job. So that was a little disheartening, seeing that I'm graduating in a month.

But then I started thinking, after that first job, employers aren't going to care about what you majored in in college. And my awesome grandpa is getting me a job when we move to Hawaii in January. (My grandpa teaches accounting at BYU-Hawaii every spring and so he and my grandma were nice enough to invite me to come with them this year, since I'll be done with school and have nothing to do.) So I wasn't too concerned about getting that first job because my grandpa was going to get it for me!

So on my way home from school I called my grandma to check in and see how things were going. We chatted for a little bit about school and work, and then I mentioned the snow and impending winter and how I was so excited to only have to deal with it for one month and then it'll be warm weather until summer. Now, can you guess what she said? Well, first she hesitated for a second. This was my first giveaway. Whenever people don't want to tell you something they hesitate. It happens all the time. Remember, I have experience with this. She then proceeded to tell me that grandpa has to deal with this rotary thing and doesn't think he'll be done in time to go in January. He has already told BYU-H that he won't be there and my grandma has already cancelled our house. She told me that it still wasn't 100% that we weren't going, but not to plan on it.

But thats just the thing, I was planning on going. I have been for a long time. This was the way I was dealing with graduating. I was postponing it. I knew that this would be the time for me to recover from 4 years of college and relax for a few months. I wasn't going to have to deal with growing up and getting a real job until at least April. That was going to save me 4 months! But now, there it is. Starring me in the eye, one month away. I like to always have a plan. It's who I am. And now not knowing what's going to happen in one month is really starting to get to me. Hawaii was supposed to be my exit from Utah. I wasn't really planning on coming back. It was going to be my way out. Nobody seems to understand how bad I want to leave, but now I don't have a way to do it.

My life is made up of disappointments. I let myself believe that things would actually work out for me this time. But thats just it. Nothing ever works out in my life. And it seems that every time I let myself hope that something might just turn out the way I want it to, it comes crashing down. This sounds like a pity party. And yeah, I guess thats what it is. But what the hell. Sometimes life sucks. This is one of those sometimes for me.

Here and Now

I found this quote while cleaning out my computer today. It's something I copied down while I was reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gillbert.

“Like most humanoids, I am burdened with what the Buddhists call the “monkey mind”-the thoughts that swing from limb to limb, stopping only to scratch themselves, spit and howl. From the distant past to the unknowable future, my mind swings wildly through time, touching on dozens of ideas a minute, un-harnessed and undisciplined. This in itself is not necessarily a problem; the problem is the emotional attachments that goes along with the thinking. Happy thoughts make me happy, but –whoop!- how quickly I swing again into obsessive worry, blowing the mood; and then it’s the remembrance of an angry moment and I start to get hot and pissed off all over again; and then my mind decides it might be a good time to start feeling sorry for itself, and loneliness follow promptly. You are, after all, what you think. Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are a slave to your emotions.

The other problem with all this swinging through the vines of thought is that you are never where you are. You are always digging in the past or poking at the future, but rarely do you rest in this moment. It’s something like the habit my dear friend Susan, who-whenever she sees a beautiful place-exclaims in near panic, “It’s so beautiful here! I want to come back here someday!” and it takes all of my persuasive powers to try to convince her that she is already here. If you’re looking for union with the divine, this kind of forward/backward whirling is the problem. There’s a reason they call God a presence-because God is right here, right now. In the present is the only place to find Him, and now is the only time.”

I love this quote because I am the exact same way. I contemplate the future and evaluate the past. I never just revel in the moment. My mind constantly moves to different subjects and never spends enough time on what is actually going on around me. I declare right now to spend more time living in the moment. To appreciate what I have here and now, and not focus so much on what is passed and what is to come. Here is my declaration. Lets hope it lasts.

Deep Down

I've lived in Utah all my life. I'm used to the close-minded, judgmental personality of the vast majority of the residents here. That doesn't mean that I've accepted it. Everyday I hear a racial comment or a religious judgment. And each one cuts me just a little deeper.

I was raised to accept everyone for who they are. Not for the color of their skin, the faith they choose to believe in, their sexual preference, or the way they choose to live their life. Being raised this way has given me the opportunity to see the beauty in every person. I'm able to see and learn from people's experience and knowledge.

Unfortunately, most of the people in my life were not raised this way. They may tell you they accept everyone, but really they just accept the people who their 'leader' tells them they are allowed to accept. How do you get to know anyone and learn about them if you quickly jump to stereotypes and judge them that much faster? How do you ever get to experience any thing different than what has already happened in your life?

Growing up I was friends with all mormons. This, in turn, made everyone else think I was mormon also. I am not mormon. So when people found that out, I was then perceived as the wild girl. I didn't drink. I didn't do drugs. I didn't have sex. But I didn't go to church. Or at least the 'right' church in their eyes. So that made me the rebel.

It always bugged me that they thought of me that way. But looking back on it now, I realize it was their job to judge me. I was judged for not going to church. I was judged for wearing short shorts, tank tops and bikinis. I was judged because my favorite word was fuck. But now, I don't care if people judge me (which I know happens daily). I don't care if people think I'm living my life the wrong way. I'm living my life the way that is best for me. And the way I think is best for the people around me. I accept people. And in return, those people accept me. Or at least most of them do. No one is perfect in this world. We all have flaws. We all have different beliefs and values. We all have issues and baggage. The only problem is that some people can't look beyond those flaw and beliefs and baggage to who we are inside.

I'm funny. I'm also controlling and pretty sensitive. I have a pathetic need to make people happy. That's who I am, or at least part of who I am. It makes me sad to think that people refuse to look beyond my religious beliefs, my low cut shirt, and my trucker mouth to see who I really am.

I like to think it's their loss.

i love.... ME

Here is something I don't quite understand. My roommate just told me that she is lovesick. What the hell does that mean?

Now let me give you some background. She's been dating the same guy for 2 years and they broke up 6 months ago. Or I guess they went on a break. In my opinion, they are terrible together. He's jealous and controlling. She's obsessive and clingy. Now maybe this works for them. Or I guess it doesn't seeing that they aren't together anymore. But thats not the point. She has decided she wants to get back together. He doesn't trust her. They're taking it slow.

I differ from my roommate in that I don't need to be with anyone. I'm perfectly fine by myself (this is due to my complete irrational fear of commitment, but thats for another time). She wants to get back together with him because she needs to feel this void in her life. The void left by him. He was terrible to her, at least in the last 5 months in their relationship. Now this may not be fair because that is the only time of their relationship I ever witnessed. According to her, they were perfect. People told them all the time that everyone wished they had their relationship. But I just can't see it. I only see his need for her to be under his control. And her need to be attached to him, or anyone for that matter. Is this really what relationships are based on?

I've only been in one relationship. It lasted 3 months and I was 15. Needless to say I'm not an expert in relationships. But I'd like to think that they are about more than what my roommates is about. I'd like to believe that it's based on love. I'd like to believe in love. Hell, I'd like to believe there is someone out there I could actually love. But for now, it's only me.

It sure is a good think I'm so good at loving myself :)

Welcome All

Hello, to whomever may be reading this.

Thanks for stumbling on my new blog. I decided I needed to start a new one so I could actually write about things that are important to me. I could do this on my other blog, but then I would have to filter, seeing that my entire family reads it. And its not that they can't see what I'm saying on this one, I would just feel better knowing it would take a miracle for them to actually find this.

It makes me feel better knowing that I'm just writing to write. To put my feeling done on paper (or on a keyboard) and know that its out in the open, without me actually having to say anything. It's never been easy for me to say what I'm feeling. So hopefully this blog will serve as a nice outlet. So here's to putting it all out there!

this should be fun :)