My Personal Pity Party.

My life has consisted of a lot of disappointments. Now, I don't want it to sound like I've had this depressing life where everyone disappoints me. But it happens a lot. And because of this fact, I've developed a very sad way to go through life. I expect everyone to disappoint me. That way, when they don't, I'm pleasantly surprised. Like I said, sad. But its the only way I know to protect myself from the disappointment that comes with a lot of the people in my life. I also never really deal with the disappointments, so they pile up and when one little thing happens, I break down.

Now lets jump to last thursday. I had a pretty god day at school and then I had a group meeting after my last class. We were very productive and towards the end, we went off on a tangent of talking about how the USU business school is getting rid of entrepreneurship as a major. Now, this has been my major since my sophomore year of college. I've only taken classes for my major and never even considered doing a minor also. Well the business school is getting rid of the major because they think that having that major makes students "unmarketable." Businesses won't want to hire people with that degree because they think that they will leave the company and go and start their own business. I mean, that is what I'll be doing, but still I want to have a major that is going to get me a job. So that was a little disheartening, seeing that I'm graduating in a month.

But then I started thinking, after that first job, employers aren't going to care about what you majored in in college. And my awesome grandpa is getting me a job when we move to Hawaii in January. (My grandpa teaches accounting at BYU-Hawaii every spring and so he and my grandma were nice enough to invite me to come with them this year, since I'll be done with school and have nothing to do.) So I wasn't too concerned about getting that first job because my grandpa was going to get it for me!

So on my way home from school I called my grandma to check in and see how things were going. We chatted for a little bit about school and work, and then I mentioned the snow and impending winter and how I was so excited to only have to deal with it for one month and then it'll be warm weather until summer. Now, can you guess what she said? Well, first she hesitated for a second. This was my first giveaway. Whenever people don't want to tell you something they hesitate. It happens all the time. Remember, I have experience with this. She then proceeded to tell me that grandpa has to deal with this rotary thing and doesn't think he'll be done in time to go in January. He has already told BYU-H that he won't be there and my grandma has already cancelled our house. She told me that it still wasn't 100% that we weren't going, but not to plan on it.

But thats just the thing, I was planning on going. I have been for a long time. This was the way I was dealing with graduating. I was postponing it. I knew that this would be the time for me to recover from 4 years of college and relax for a few months. I wasn't going to have to deal with growing up and getting a real job until at least April. That was going to save me 4 months! But now, there it is. Starring me in the eye, one month away. I like to always have a plan. It's who I am. And now not knowing what's going to happen in one month is really starting to get to me. Hawaii was supposed to be my exit from Utah. I wasn't really planning on coming back. It was going to be my way out. Nobody seems to understand how bad I want to leave, but now I don't have a way to do it.

My life is made up of disappointments. I let myself believe that things would actually work out for me this time. But thats just it. Nothing ever works out in my life. And it seems that every time I let myself hope that something might just turn out the way I want it to, it comes crashing down. This sounds like a pity party. And yeah, I guess thats what it is. But what the hell. Sometimes life sucks. This is one of those sometimes for me.